Bye Bye Virgin

Somehow the topic came up today while I was having lunch. "How old were you when you lost your virginity?" One of my co-workers asked. I said "seventeen" in a moment of reflection, almost to the day.

The year was 2005 and I had been in Florida for most of the last year. Long story short, we moved to Orlando because my dad kept getting laid off from work (seasonal employment) and he wanted to have steady work in construction... in Florida... as the recession was about to hit. So we moved back in March of 05 where he would start his job again for one last time before he decided to get his own business going. 

We moved back to the same area of Paducah, KY, I returned to the same school, and met up with my old friends. Well most of them. While I was gone my best friend at the time started hanging out with some kids that gave him weed and it was off to the races. When I returned to school some people came up to me like I hadn't left. Some others asked if I had moved to Florida and came back... while sitting in class with them. This is how close my class really was. That is the same reason nobody wanted to make the effort to see each other for our 10 year reunion. 

When I returned I did notice a couple of different things. One, school here in Kentucky was a lot better (I went to a shitty high school in Orlando). Two, there were more Mexicans at the school now. One of them I knew from church. She was about 4'8", dark hair, feisty. Muy caliente (in temper not looks) as some white people would say. After talking for a couple of weeks we decided that we were going to take the next big step. We were going to be boyfriend and girlfriend. This was huge for me because I had never had a legit girlfriend before. I had a "talking on the phone" girlfriend but we never kissed, or held hands, or even saw each other really after the first time.

I was floating in the clouds because someone wanted to be with me. I was in LOVE!!!

Soon after the last day of school I was informed by my mother that we were going to go to Denver, CO for a small family reunion. I was heart broken, this meant I was going to spend A WEEK away from the love of my life!! *Cue the small violins* But on the other hand I was about to see my cousin Ernie whom I hadn't seen in years! I was excited. My cousin is about two years older than me, was always the bigger and stronger kid. He played football and I played Pokemon. I love my cousin even now. We were always pretty close especially after I saw him get hit by a car. Clearly he survived so let us move along.

The first day we get there we catch up. We talk about our girlfriends, school, life, and he plans on us getting drunk, I ignore it. There is no way I can drink in front of my parents. 

*Flash forward* 

"Oh my God! What smells like shit?!"

*Back to the timeline*

We talk about sex as most 16-18 year olds do and I mention I am still a virgin. He talks to me about it and convinces me that I need to go get condoms. There is a liquor store about 4 blocks away so we head out on a condom buying adventure. I am nervous as we walk in but I man up because if my cousin can survive getting hit by a car at 6 years old I can ask this sweet looking Indian gentleman for rubbers. 

"Sir, where are your condoms?"

In a thick Indian accent he says "We have them back here, kids like to steal. What kind would you like."

I was stumped. "Studded." I say in almost a stutter. 

"Will that be it?"

As I was about to say "Yes" my cousin comes out of nowhere with some Red Bull and says "I'll pay." The nice Indian guy looks at both of us and smirks kind of like saying "Oh, you two are about to fuck."

We end up getting drunk. We didn't fuck but my cousin did shit everywhere. I had never experienced something like that in my life. This is another story for another day. 

*Fast Forward to coming back home*

I drive over to see my girlfriend. We had planned out how it was about to go down. Two virgins just making plans like two war generals trying to lead their troops to victory. She was all like "My mom works from this time to this time. And then she has to go grocery shopping so she will probably be home around 4:30." And I was all like "My parents are working all day!!"

I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was May in Kentucky which means it was hot and humid. This girl's home was a trailer by a corn field with no shade. The AC was running at full force. The days where you would go to the gas station for a Mountain Dew with your friend in the summer was now being taken over by days full of lust. We started making out, I could feel my life changing by the second and then she says "If you just had a condom..." I swear by the time she finished the sentence I was opening my glove compartment in my car. I will spare you the details because I am a gentleman and some people know her. But let's just say I was a little too excited. No control over my body. It was a let down because I only had 3 condoms and I put two of them on wrong. This was the time before you didn't give a shit. I am pretty sure I once committed to rolling down the condom the wrong way because I didn't want to seem inexperienced and just ruin the mood. I am pretty sure she ordered a pizza, made jello, and did her taxes before I could get it down.

I was on cloud 9. I was no longer a boy, I was a man... But then...

Her step dad got home. Luckily I had finished about 10 minutes earlier but I'm sure you could smell it in the air. It was a musty day for everyone. I WAS TERRIFIED. As soon as he said "You better get out of here." I was gone. This was the man that first introduced me to Snipe hunting. Still haven't found one to this day. I feel like that is how the conspiracy of Big Foot also started.

I left feeling like I could have done better. Just in case any of you were wondering.